The Reason
by indigobynoir
Summary: /Find someone else, it's not me./ With the events of 4x16, more things happen in the factory with Dean and Castiel. But is it enough to guide Castiel off his mission?


**A/N:** Hey... I haven't posted on this account in years. My YUGIOH story is sort of dead for the time being, but I may pick it up sometime. You never know. I'm sort of off that fandom and onto another; Supernatural. So I decided to give it a shot with my only pairing within the fandom; Dean & Castiel. Thanks to my friend Zahrah for editting the damn thing for me! Holy crap, it's nearly 7,000 words long. That's the longest story I've ever written - EVER. Reviews would be lovely, since I'm still rather apathetic towards this.

This story follows the events in Season 4 episode 16 "On the Head of a Pin" so yes, there will be spoilers for that episode. Some of this story has scripting from that episode to guide me for changing some occurences. If you know SPN well, you'll know whats mine and what belongs to the scripters.

Eric Kripke owns everything. ^^

**The Reason**

Castiel was in turmoil. Complete and utter turmoil. He paced the dark room, hands clenching and unclenching under his suppressed stress. Although his face was defused of any emotion, he was internally fighting against himself viciously. He pressed his pale lips together, eye brows furrowed. He was getting a bad feeling from this situation, a sick hollow feeling in his gut. He almost laughed at that; him? Feelings? There was no chance in Hell. Castiel was an angel of the Lord, his feelings were for his God and Him alone. Castiel kept on repeating that in his mind, in a desperate attempt to console himself.

It wasn't working.

Alastair gurgled and screamed from behind the steel door, causing Castiel to stop pacing in his tracks. He turned towards the door, wide eyed. Dean... this was all his fault. Why would his Father ask him to do something like this? Something so wicked? So cruel? No. No...his Father was perfect, righteous, this has to be apart of the bigger picture. Castiel turned his back to the door, and walked towards the empty table, bowing his head. Another scream and it was all Dean's doing. Castiel closed his eyes tightly, wishing he could expel the horrifying truth of what was going on behind that door. This is wrong, he thought sadly, and I can't do anything about it.

The lights flickered, and he rose his head. Castiel could distinctly hear the howls of the demon Alastair. He sighed, as the lights flickered now more intensely, bursting.

"Anna," said Castiel.

"Hello Castiel," she said quietly.

Cas turned his head weakly, not really in the mood to see her. But he caught a glimpse; she was back in her human body. The one he saw burst into piercing light not too long ago. He turned back, eyes still on the sealed door. "It was destroyed, I know," Anna said, walking closer, "But...I guess I'm sentimental. Called in some old favours and..." she trailed off.

Alastair cried out, and Castiel pretended as if the sound didn't send shivers down his spine.

"You shouldn't be here, we still have orders to kill you," he sighed, still not facing her.

There was a pause, "Somehow, I don't think you'll try," Anna said and walked around him, "Where is Uriel?"

"He went to seek Revelation," Cas answered.

Anna stopped walking, her back to him now and she also stared at the bolted door. "Right," she stated.

Alastair gurgled and moaned in pain, due to the doings of Dean. Anna knew, of course; she had to be here for a reason, Castiel thought, but what could she do? He watched her back intently, awaiting something anything. Alastair screamed louder, and Castiel turned his head towards his feet, his mouth shut in a thin line. Then Anna spoke, her voice forceful. "Why are you letting Dean do this?"

Castiel glanced at her, looking away shortly after and turning his back on her once again. Alastair gasped, and Castiel closed his eyes. "He's doing God's work," he stated.

"Torturing?" scoffed Anna, "That's God's work?

"Stop him Cas, please," she implored, "Before you ruin the one real weapon you have."

"Who are we to question the will of God?" Cas asked.

"Unless...this isn't his will," said Anna.

"Then where do the orders come from?" sighed Cas, wishing she would just leave him be.

"I dunno," Anna said, "One of our superiors maybe? But not Him."

Anna walked closer to Castiel, and he turned around to face her. He hated to admit it, but every word coming of her mouth was the truth. The actions Dean was doing behind those doors could not be justified. But.

"The Father you love, you think he wants this?" Anna questioned, looking deep into his eyes, "You think he'd ask this of you? You think this is righteous?"

Anna took a moment to step closer to Cas, her eyes never leaving his own, "What you're feeling? It's called doubt."

Castiel almost flinched at that word, and when Alastair continued to shout, he bowed his head once again and closed his eyes, praying to shut out the sounds; the truth. This couldn't be happening...not to him. Not when he loved his Father with his entire being. He couldn't be straying of Him, could he? The shouts were growing louder.

"These orders..." Anna whispered, placing her soft hand upon Castiel's. "Are wrong."

Castiel looked down at her hand on his in confusion. "And you know it. And you can do the right thing," Anna whispered, her tone more excited. Castiel looked at her, his eyes slightly narrowed in suspicion.

"You're scared, Cas. I was too," she said, holding his hand more forcefully, "But together we can "Together?" Castiel interrupted, looking at her with incredulous eyes, and he moved his hand from underneath hers in a flash. "I am nothing like you," he snarled, moving from her, "You fell!"

Anna stood looking defeated as Castiel walked around her.

"Go."

She turned to him, pleading, "Cas - "

"Go!" repeated Castiel, eyes narrowed in an intimidating stance.

Anna stared at him, eyes filled with sorrow before she disappeared with the sound of wings, leaving Castiel alone.

* * *

Castiel stood in the same spot for a very long time, his eyes glued to the floor in desperate thought. Although Anna was long gone, her words still echoed in his mind, and he couldn't help but believe her. She's just trying to make you follow in her footsteps.

_...but she's right. Our Lord wouldn't wish of this._

_**...how would you know what our Father would wish.  
**_

_...but still, He shouldn't ask Dean of this, not after what - ._

_**...- you dare question Him.**_

Castiel clenched his eyes shut, praying for this whole situation, this battle, to just go away. It was a foolish wish, but still. He would still be in heaven, watching the humans live ungratefully, there wouldn't be an apocalypse, Lucifer would still be rotting in his cage and -

**Dean would still be rotting in hell.  
**  
Castiel's eyes flashed open. _Dean._ And in that moment, Castiel knew what he had to do. He straightened up, and turned to face the door, taking a step and then another towards it. The pained sounds of the demon grew as he pulled the door open.

Dean turned around automatically, and Castiel almost flinched.

The hunter's eyes were stone-cold, absent of feeling. And if anything, that look only fuelled the angel to follow in his route. "Dean, I need to speak with you," he said slowly, glancing at the chained, bloody, soaking demon. "In private."  
Dean furrowed his eyebrows in curiosity, and quickly eyed the demon, who was hanging limply from the devil's trap beneath him. Dean looked back towards Castiel, who nodded. Dean placed the goblet filled with holy water on the desk and followed Castiel out of the room, door banging shut behind them.

"What's up Cas? What's going on?" Dean asked, holding his hands up in question.

Castiel stopped walking and turned to face the man, whose hands were bloodstained and face sweaty. "Dean, you have to stop," Castiel said.

Dean didn't reply for a moment, blinking at Cas. "Excuse me?"

"You have to stop."

Dean took a step towards Castiel.

"I don't know if you angels just like to not finish your sentences for the fun of it, but if your trying to tell me to stop torturing Alastair "

"That is what I'm telling you," Cas sighed, and he found that staring into those green eyes was too difficult.

He caught the sight of Dean clenching his fists in anger, knuckles growing bone white. He should have seen this coming.

"You're kidding me!"

"I can assure you, that I am not kidding."

"You evil, **_evil_** sonuvabitch!" Dean hissed, stepping closer towards the angel, and Castiel fought to stare into those eyes that held so many brewing emotions, "You come and find me, tell me to do your dirty work for you when you knew what happened to me in hell and what I did! You knew Cas and yet you still begged me to do this for you and your stupid angels? And - and now?! You're just telling me to quit while I'm ahead?"

Castiel's eyes softened, "Dean " Even after I told you that you would not like the person who walked out of there?!" Dean moved even closer to Castiel. Castiel remained silent, which only pissed Dean off even more. "I don't believe you," sighed Dean, turning his back on the angel. "You, out of all people...I just..." He trailed off, voice seemingly cracking.

Castiel raised his head, staring at the back of the human, the human who was in his charge. The human that he grew close to unintentionally The human who he saved from the pit.

**The human who insulted him every way possible.  
**

**The human who was too stubborn for Castiel's liking.  
**

**The human who was too righteous, too perfect to be a human... too courageous.  
**

"Dean."

Nothing, silence.

"Dean...please," Castiel whispered.

Dean's broad shoulders flinched slightly, his head bowing more.

"What?" he snapped behind bared teeth.

"I am sorry, for putting you through this. I am, you must know that. But you must end this now Dean. It's... it's - "

"Wrong?" Dean said, turning to look at Castiel again.

Castiel paused, before nodding slowly.

Dean laughed harshly, "What do ya know! The angel has feelings."

The hunter walked up to him. "You're a dick, you know that? A stupid, evil dick with wings. And you can send that message to the rest of your winged bastards!"

Castiel narrowed his eyes, looking deep into those green eyes, and seeing fresh tears well up inside. "Dean, don't."

"Don't what?" he snapped.

Castiel couldn't bring himself to say the words, so instead, he raised his hand slowly towards Dean's face and, with his thumb, wiped away the tear right before it fell. Castiel then removed his hand, examined the wet substance, and glanced back at Dean with wide eyes. No words, nothing. Just a look.

Dean pulled Castiel from the back of his neck and crashed their lips together forcefully. The kiss was tense, almost as if Dean didn't want to kiss Castiel, but soon his lips grew softer against Castiel's, who couldn't resist, fisting his hands into Dean's bloody shirt. However, Dean broke the kiss, gasping for air as he stared into the angel's eyes, which were now was this time where Castiel wished he knew what the human was thinking, because those eyes were slowly flooding his vision. Castiel removed his hands from Dean's shirt slowly, still saying nothing, still in minor shock over what just happened.  
"Scared, angel of the Lord?" Dean whispered, his voice slightly taunting.

A smile tugged at Castiel's lips in challenge. "No, are you human?" Dean's eyes scanned Castiel's before kissing him again and, before he knew it, Castiel's back was to the stone wall. Castiel's hands held onto Dean's shirt again, fisting the material while angling his mouth in opposition to Dean's, allowing better access. Dean licked the roof of Castiel's mouth, making the angel twitch severely. He pulled Cas back from the wall before slamming him against it again more forcefully. He was probably still releasing his built up anger from before, and Castiel could honestly say he didn't mind the rough treatment. In fact, he wasn't expecting anything more. Castiel took charge, deepening the kiss with a slide of his own tongue, removing one hand from Dean's shirt and placing it on Dean's hip, sliding his fingertips beneath the thin fabric. Dean's squirmed from the touch, grinding his hips against Castiel's who broke the kiss, banging his own head against the wall, eyes half-lidded. Dean took the advantage of Castiel's exposed throat and dove in; biting, licking and sucking every inch of it, while tugging at the angel's trench coat. Cas moaned, shrugging off his coat, along with his vessel's black jacket. Dean continued to kiss the angel's exposed throat while Castiel's fingertips rose beneath the hunter's shirt, passing over the soft nipples making Dean gasp suddenly. "Off...nhn...now," Cas panted, mildly clawing Dean's toned chest.  
With one flick of his tongue against Castiel's throat, Dean shrugged off the loose button up before he pulled his shirt over his head (with the help of Castiel) and threw it to the floor eagerly, going back to dominate Castiel's swollen lips. Their lips met again, hungry and desperate and Dean gripped onto the angel for life, as Castiel wrapped his arms around Dean's bare back, raking the small of his back, causing the hunter to grind harder against the angel's hardened crotch. It was all so much and so fast that Castiel forgot who he was, what he was. And a part of his mind was trying to push that fact away. That he was an angel of the Lord, of God, and that fornication was a downright sin for him. But God...it felt so good, so right and ... so good. And when those moist lips were all over his own, it didn't even matter, and Castiel being an angel shrank into being a meaningless fact that he could easily just kick away - for the moment. Dean began to tug hard at Castiel's button up shirt, and before Cas could help him, Dean tore off the plastic buttons roughly, yanking the shirt off and throwing it somewhere over his shoulder. Castiel - or his vessel - wasn't as muscular as Dean, but there was not a trace of hair on his exposed chest except for the faint line leading from beneath his belly button downward, and his nipples were a dusky brown, and there were muscles lining his torso.

"Son of a bitch..." muttered Dean, eyes begging to see more.

Cas gave a tiny smirk, moving in to kiss Dean again, but Dean hooked his fingers beneath Castiel's belt, hinting more. Before Dean knew it, Castiel was gone, and he whirled around, seeing him not gone, but sitting candidly on the wide metal table, tilting his head. Almost as if the sight of Castiel was the call of the siren, Dean followed slowly, placing his arms on either side of the angel, who raised his head. He raised his hand and placed them on Dean's cheek, leaning in to place a chaste kiss on his plump lips. "Couldn't magic us to a place where a demon isn't only a room away?" Dean asked, eyes boring into Castiel's.

Castiel blinked, tilting his head again. "No."

Dean could've laughed if he wasn't so turned on, and he leaned over the angel about to fist his hands into - - he was gone, again. Before Dean could curse for him to get his angelic self back here, he was turned and slammed onto the cold table. Heart beating like mad, he calmed to see Castiel on top of him, straddling his waist with a dominant smirk upon his pale lips. And if Dean didn't know any better, he would have never known this being was an angel. It almost made him wonder, what he looked like back in heaven, as a sole being and not a being possessing a human host. Because there was something brilliant and bright behind those blue eyes that stared down at Dean mischievously, something that didn't belong to the vessel at all. Dean moaned loudly, as Castiel ground his hips against Dean's hardened cock, snapping him out of his thoughts.

"Focus Dean..." Castiel almost sang, hands on Dean's belt loops.

Dean didn't reply, closing his eyes slightly, his arms somewhere over his head. Castiel removed the leather belt and jeans from Dean's waist. Dean's legs were strong and toned, his black boxers remaining. Dean glanced at Cas through his half-lidded eyes, taking the angel's hand and placing it on the waistband on his boxers. Getting the hint, Cas pulled the fabric down with one hard yank, discarding it. The sight of Dean completely exposed was almost enough for him, and coming from an angel...the sight was the most beautiful thing. Dean sighed lightly as Castiel's cool fingertips circled his hips, his hardened length twitching and throbbing with every breath he took. "No...no fair Cas..." whispered Dean, chest rising and falling rapidly.

"My apologies."

Dean gave a light chuckle at that, raised up by his elbows as he removed Castiel's own jeans, the angel kneeling still, head raised back and eyes fluttering shut. When those were off along with his pesky underwear, Castiel lowered his head, moving his palms from Dean's hips, to the inside of his thighs, his mouth lowering down south. Dean felt Castiel's erection pump more blood against his chest, and at that moment, he wished there was something to cling onto apart from the angel's hair. Cas decided to lick the flesh of the hunter s inner thigh, nibbling it softly.

"Cas...you kinky sonuvabitch..." breathed Dean, his leg twitching.

He felt the angel smile against his abused skin, and he gripped onto Castiel's silky hair, pushing his deeper; his ignored dick begging for attention. Cas laid a kiss on the hardened member, and Dean let out a string of curse words. With a finishing lick, Cas removed his head from down south, locking eyes with the human, giving off the feeling that he was looking right through Dean, into his core. Dean raised his arms, before Castiel could make another move, flipping the angel on his back, switching their positions. For a moment, the angel looked genuinely shocked, opening his mouth to say something before Dean captured his mouth, swirling his tongue around the angel's slowly, pressing himself against Castiel. The feeling of their cocks nudging together electrifying, exhilarating...the sensation so different then Dean touching himself, so different from sex with other women.

...so much _better._

Breaking the kiss, Dean grabbed onto Castiel's leg, casting it over his shoulder effortlessly, while staring into those hazy blue eyes. He was desperate, his need coursing through his entire being and he knew he needed to act quick, before his luck ran out and the angel suddenly realized what he was doing. And that was something Dean refused to come to pass. Not when he was so fucking hard. Castiel shut his eyes, tilting his head back as Dean positioned himself to the angel's entrance. Dean took a shuddering breath before entering Cas with one hard shove. He looked up quickly, awaiting Cas to disappear and smite him with all his heavenly might, but instead, the angel hissed softly, hooking his leg tighter around the hunters shoulder. Dean thanked God - which probably wasn't the smartest thing to do since he was about to fuck one of His angels - that Castiel wasn't snapping out of this blessed enchantment. His dick was throbbing against Castiel's walls that clenched around his length ruthlessly. He was so tight...so hot...so fucking perfect. Dean pulled out, almost the whole way, before plunging himself back into that incredible heat, groaning loudly from the way his cock slid through the narrow passage. It was rough without any lubricant, but it was perfect nonetheless, the pain felt so good. Castiel gasped, eyes fluttering open, his own erection rubbing against Dean's clenching abs, and he ground his hip against Dean in an attempt to relieve the build up. Dean grasped onto Castiel's hips, plunging into the angel again, and the heat almost enough to push him over the edge. "Cas..."

"Nhn...again..."

Dean thrust again, sweat building up all over his body. Castiel began to grab onto any part of Dean he could reach, mouth open in ecstasy. "Dean...aahh...Dean..."

His name meant so much more when spilling out of the angel s lips, his angel. Dean began to move harder, moving deeper and deeper into Castiel's body, and hitting a spot that made Cas almost shout. Dean bent low, trailing wet, sloppy kisses down the angel's stomach, gripping onto his hard member and pumping along with his heavy thrust. He needed more. Castiel seemed to give up on grabbing Dean, and he let his arms collapse over his head, succumbing to the feeling. He began to thrust his hips against Dean's. And in moments, felt the hot semen explode within him, eyes snapping open as his own squirted upon Dean's stomach. Dean stopped moving almost abruptly, tossing his head back and letting out a gasp.

* * *

Silence. Disgusting, suffocating, silence was what followed the best orgasm of Dean's sexual history. He looked down (almost anxiously) at Castiel who was staring at the ceiling unblinkingly. He was almost afraid to say something; _was that as good for you as it was for me?_ Ha, not.

"Dean."

Dean almost jumped.

"Would you mind getting out of me, please?" Castiel asked, politely.

This couldn't end well. Dean pulled out slowly, almost gasping at the soft sensation it gave, watching the angel closely. Castiel got up almost immediately, grabbed his clothes and disappeared.

* * *

That son of a bitch. He left. He fucking _**left.**_ Dean angrily put his clothes back on, pulling his shirt over his head, tousling his hair and he didn't really give a shit. Who did he think he was? If he didn't want to have sex, why did he come onto him in the first place? Dean could've punched something, namely Castiel. Shrugging on his button up, he remembered where he was. Alastair was still chained in the other room. Cursing under his breath, Dean walked towards the door, peeking through the mini window. Oh God. He wasn't there. Panic pumped through Dean's veins and he turned around wildly - then he was knocked off his feet. He slammed face first to the floor with incredible speed. Spitting blood out of his mouth, he looked up to see Alastair, bloody and soaked, with an evil gleam in his eyes.

"Rise and shine partner!" he sneered, and pulled Dean up by his collar, punching him with all the strength he could muster around the face, sending Dean onto the floor. Alastair dragged Dean's struggling body to the torture room before throwing him on the floor again with an angry punch. Minutes later, Dean's face was throbbing and gushing with blood, as the demon continued to punch him senseless over and over again. Dean's world was spinning, his left eye so swollen he could barely see through it. With one last punch, Dean was sent reeling onto the floor, gasping. Alastair grabbed him by the throat tightly, raising him up and placing him on the star statue, his feet dangling from the air. "You've got a lot to learn, boy," Alastair whispered, choking Dean whose eyes began to flicker closed, "So I'll see you back in class, bright n' early...Monday morning," he smiled sardonically. Dean's sight was growing foggy, his mind thinking one thing; Cas...where are you?

And then suddenly, the hold on his throat loosened, and he heard the demon shout along with the familiar sizzling sound of flesh connecting with... Ruby's knife? Dean was instantly sent to the floor, clutching loosely onto consciousness. His eyes open enough to see the familiar tan trench coat. Cas was here, saving his ass - Dean smiled weakly. Alastair shoved the angel off him, staring down at the knife sticking out from his chest.

"Almost. Looks like God's on my side today..." said Alastair, coolly.

Castiel glared, raising an arm just as Alastair moved in, stopping him in his tracks. The demon grunted as the knife twisted inside his chest, Castiel's arm guiding the blade. Alastair clenched his teeth, placing a hand on the wooden handle, pulling the knife out of him. Castiel slowly lowered his arm, face stone cold before Alastair pounced for him.

There were punches thrown, but Dean didn't know who was getting the upper hand, until he heard someone being slammed against the wall. His breathing slowed, trying to hear what was going on, but it was too much, and Dean slipped into unconsciousness.

Alastair sighed, "Well, like roaches you celestials," he didn't budge when Castiel tried to move his arms from around his shoulders. "I really wish I knew how to kill you. But all I can do is," he waved a finger tauntingly, "Send you back to heaven."  
He began to mutter a Latin incantation, and Castiel felt a low ripping feeling boil in his gut, expelling his spirit from within his host. He tried to force it down but it was rising like a flame, his essence glowing from within his mouth, just about to burst when it all stopped. Alastair was thrown from him to the nearby wall by a strong force, sending Castiel to the floor. He turned to see the youngest of the Winchesters; Sam. His arm reached out, barking orders at the pinned demon to tell him who was murdering the angels, as Castiel watched with wide, curious eyes. His eyes soon landed on Dean, who lay almost lifeless on the floor, face bloody and bruised. It shamed Castiel to look at him, knowing what just happened between them not an hour ago. The words Alastair was telling Sam that it wasn't the demons killing the angels faded into the background, as Cas continued to stare at Dean, ignoring the compelling urge to go over to his body and shake him awake, ordering him not to die again, and that if he did, Cas would go back into the pit to drag him out if need be. Alastair began to choke, and Sam said something about being able to kill demons now, which dragged Castiel from his inner thoughts, he looked at Sam who closed his eyes the demon shouted, its body bursting in a golden light before it extinguished, the human body sliding from the wall, dead. Castiel stared at the body before turning slowly to Sam, and then Dean.

* * *

Dean was in the hospital, barely stabilized as his brother sat next to him. Castiel walked down the hallway of Dean's corridor calmly, although he was a nervous wreck mentally. He reached Dean's door, glancing at Dean's state as Sam turned towards him. Castiel looked at Sam before walking on, turning as soon as Sam followed him out,

"Sam."

"Get in there and heal him," Sam said, "Miracle. Now."

"I can't."

"You and Uriel, put him in there - "

"- No."

"Because you can't keep a single devil's trap together?"

"I don't know what happened! That trap " Castiel said fiercely, then sighed, releasing his anger, "...It shouldn't have broken I'm sorry."

"This whole thing was pointless," Sam said, "you understand that? The demons aren't doing the hits. Somebody else is killing your soldiers."

"Perhaps Alastair was lying," Castiel offered, his mind racing.

"No. He _wasn't_."

Castiel looked at Sam, bewildered. What was he trying to say? But Sam turned his back on him and walked back into Dean's room. Cas moved his glance to the floor, once in his life, genuinely confused.

* * *

Castiel appeared by Uriel's side by the park, the snow crunching beneath his shoes. Uriel looked distraught, hands together as he told his brother what he received from Revelation. They told him to stop hunting the demon responsible for killing their brethren. Castiel sighed, sitting down on the bench next to Uriel, but still keeping a distance. Fearing that maybe Uriel could sense his current 'love-making' and that was something he couldn't allow. But if Uriel did sense it, he didn't make it obvious.

"The murders...maybe they aren't demonic. Sam Winchester said the demons had nothing to do with it," Castiel said.

"If not the demons, what could it be?" Uriel asked incredulously.

Castiel wasn't sure how to answer that, "The will of heaven, we are_ failing_ Uriel we are losing the war. Perhaps the garrison is being punished?"

Uriel was taken aback, "You think our Father would - "I think our Father isn't giving the orders anymore," Castiel interjected, "maybe there is something wrong."

They sat in silence, before Uriel stood up, towering over Castiel, "Well I won't wait to be gutted."

Castiel looked up at him and watched as his disappeared.

* * *

Castiel stood alone near the factory.

"Anna!" he called out desperately. He knew he was going to regret this.

Silence, it aggravated him. He knew she could hear him.

"Anna, please," he whispered. Castiel turned, the streetlamp twitching. He turned, seeing Anna stand before him.

"Decided to kill me after all?" she asked.

Castiel flinched inwardly. "I'm alone."

"What do you want from me, Castiel?" she questioned, standing tall.

"I'm considering disobedience," he breathed, not believing he was saying those words. He was considering disobeying strongly since Dean told him and Uriel not to smite the town, and after sex with Dean, the choice was becoming more and more clear. "Good," Anna said.

Castiel frowned slightly, "No, it isn't," he whispered. Cas paused, finding it difficult to find the appropriate words, "For the first time, I feel..."

And he meant it. Never before in his existence did he know emotion, know the experience of having feelings. To feel anything apart from love for his Father; and since he hauled Dean from hell, everything changed. Meeting Dean changed him, getting to know the hunter made him feel things his kind weren't supposed to feel. And now Castiel knew why; feelings are doorways to doubt, to disobedience. Which was the worst thing to do when you re an angel of the Lord. Dean was a sin. Everything he did with Dean was a sin. And Cas didn't care anymore.

"It gets worse," Anna told him truthfully. Castiel bowed his head, and she walked closer to him.

"Choosing your own course of action...it's confusing...terrifying," she continued, walking closer until they were within a metre apart. She reached out, placing a hand on his shoulder, and Castiel glanced at her arm. She dropped it almost instantly, anger flashing in her eyes. "That's right. You're too good for my help. I'm just trash; a walking blasphemy," she said spitefully before turning on her heel.

"Anna."

She stopped, mericifully

"I don't know what to do. Please tell me what to do," Castiel said. Anna turned, pity in her eyes, "Like the old days? No," she shook her head gently, "I'm sorry. It's time to think for yourself."

Castiel blinked, catching a glimpse of white before Anna disappeared, leaving him alone again. He lowered his head, catching sight of a water fountain, its pipe leaking water...

* * *

Castiel stood in the factory, rooted to the spot as a long silver blade slid out from Uriel's coat sleeve. This couldn't be happening. Uriel...Uriel was the one killing the angels? Thousands of thoughts raced through Castiel's mind, and he tried to grasp onto what his brother was saying.

"_You_ broke the devil's trap? You...set Alastair on Dean?" Castiel said in disbelief.

_Dean._ You tried to _hurt_ Dean..._kill_ Dean? Uriel began to tell Cas how Alastair should have never been taken alive, how he turned the screw on the tap, letting the water leak freely, releasing Alastair from the trap.

"Alastair should have killed Dean, and you should have gone happily scapegoating the demons," Uriel explained.

Cas blinked, should have_ killed_ Dean? Over his dead body.

"For the murders, of our kin?" Castiel asked.

But Uriel wouldn't have it. Instead, he said how he was trying to convert the other angels to see the other side. To stop their mission to stop the apocalypse, and to stop following after Lilith breaking the seals. Castiel shook his head softly, turning his back on Uriel. This wasn't happening...not Uriel.

"It is our Father's world," Castiel said.

And Uriel slapped that statement down, "He stopped being that! If He ever was! The moment He created them!" Uriel spat.

* * *

Back in the hospital, Sam went to get a cup of coffee. It was getting late, almost midnight, and he was drained completely. He stood at the coffee machine, his bones still rattling from his battle against Alastair. He needed more, more blood. Where the hell was Ruby? She wasn't picking up her phone. Sam clenched his eyes shut, taking in a low breath. His body was weak without her blood, and he was running out on the supply she gave him. He took in another shuddering breath. He had to focus on Dean; he needed to recover soon. He didn't belong in a freaking hospital bed. Sam sighed, pushing the button for another cup. The angels were nothing he expected them to be. Dean was in the worst shape Sam had ever seen him, and for what? Sam sighed, grasping the two cups and headed back to Dean's room. Meanwhile, Dean was awake, staring at the ceiling. His face was on fire, and the taste of iron still tingled within his mouth. But he was alive; thanks to Castiel.  
He could've laughed. Thanks to Castiel? Who was he kidding? Thanks to him, he was in this hospital bed, beaten to hell. A freaking angel couldn't even keep a simple devil's trap together. Dean tilted his head towards the door, expecting to see the angel. He expected to see Cas here, healing him so that he could knock the angel right out of his vessel. But Cas was nowhere to be found, and Dean was completely vulnerable. He gripped his bed sheets... stupid angel.

* * *

Castiel looked at Uriel, "Lucifer."

"You do remember him?" Uriel whispered, "How strong he was...how _beautiful_...and he didn't bow to humanity!"

Castiel shook his head in disbelief.

"He was punished for defending us! continued the other angel. Now if you wanna believe in something Cas, believe in him."

"Lucifer isn't God."

"God isn't God anymore," Uriel retorted, walking around Castiel, "He doesn't care what we do. I am proof of that."

"But this..." Castiel breathed, turning to face the other angel, "What were you going to do, Uriel? Were you going to...kill the whole garrison?"

"I only killed the ones who said no."

Realization dawned upon Castiel, who knew what he had to do. Uriel stepped closer, imploring his brother to see reason, to join him to raise Lucifer and help bring the apocalypse to earth. Castiel lowered his head, sighing, telling Uriel that for the first time in his life, he was unafraid. Then he punched Uriel with all the strength he could muster, sending his brother flying through the brick wall. Uriel recovered quickly, and punched Cas across the face twice, and Castiel hit him back before Uriel grabbed him by his coat, hurling him into the wooden cupboards which fell on top of him. Castiel got up quickly, walking up to him, spitting blood from his mouth. Cas punched Uriel before Uriel picked up a steel rod, knocking him across the face, sending him into a heap on the floor.

"You can't win Uriel...I still serve God... Castiel said, although somewhere at the back of his mind told him otherwise.

Uriel continued to punch Castiel across the face, telling him that there was no 'will', no 'wrath' and certainly, no 'God.' And before he could knock Castiel again, a silver blade pierced his throat, blood oozing out.

It was Anna.

"Maybe. Maybe not. But there's still **me**," she hissed, and yanked the blade from his throat, letting Uriel collapse onto the ground with a thud. Anna walked towards Castiel who rose to his feet slowly, watching as his brother expelled with burning light before his spirit burst free, the imprint of his angelic soul burned onto the ground. Castiel looked at Anna, expressing his gratitude wordlessly, and then departed. He had someone to see.

* * *

In the dimly lit hospital room, Castiel sat in the chair next to Dean's bedside, not looking at the human. Maybe it was because he could feel the anger radiating off Dean. Maybe it was because he was still ashamed after what they did, what he did. Or maybe it was simply because he was scared. Nevertheless, he spoke,

"Are you alright?" he asked.

Dean looked at him, his face void of emotion, although his eyes were bloodshot. He turned his head, "No thanks to you."

"You need to be more careful," said Castiel, still avoiding his eyes.

"You need to learn how to manage a damn devil's trap," Dean retorted.

Castiel glanced over at Dean. "That's not what I mean. Uriel is dead."

"Was it the demons?"

"His disobedience...he was working against us," Cas replied, looking Dean in the eye this time. Dean didn't answer, and for a moment, it looked as if he stopped breathing. Then he spoke, "Is it true?"

Castiel shifted his body, looking at him with curious eyes.

"Did I break the first seal? Did I start all this?" asked Dean.

The look in Dean's eyes, was enough to break the angel.

"Yes. When we discovered Lilith's plan for you...we lay siege to hell," Cas began, the memories of flying down to the pit still very vivid in his mind. The feeling of the heat, the cold, the pleas, his wings burning bright through the tunnels "And we fought our way to get to you - "

"I jump started the apocalypse?" Dean said softly, more to himself than to Castiel.

Cas stopped, raising his head to the ceiling, wishing he could take away the pain that twisted itself through Dean's speech.

"We were too late," Cas finished.

"Why didn't you just leave me there then?" Dean asked.

"It's not blame that falls on you Dean. It's fate," Castiel explained, "The righteous man who begins it is the only one who can finish it."

Dean still wasn't answering. Instead he stared in front of him, lips quivering and throat clenching. The sight of him holding back tears was unbearable. Castiel turned to him, praying Dean would just yell at him or do something. Anything but this.

"You have to stop it," Cas said.

"Lucifer? The apocalypse? What does that mean?" he questioned.

The million dollar question. Castiel turned away, focusing on anything else but Dean. But Dean wouldn't let it go.

"Hey. Don't you go disappearing on me you sonuvabitch._ What does that mean_?" he growled.

Castiel flinched. Dean's comment hit him low; he did disappear on Dean after he realized what he did with Dean and he left him to deal with Alastair alone. Maybe it was all his fault.

"I don't know," answered Castiel.

"Bull!"

"I don't. Dean, they don't tell me much," he replied, "_I know_ our fate rests with you."

Dean shook his head, his eyes blurring, "I think you guys are screwed."

Castiel turned away, but Dean continued.

"I can't do it Cas. It's too big," and his voice cracked. Castiel felt something inside him break at that sound. Dean was finally opening up to him, and Castiel couldn't do anything to console him. Nothing.

"Alastair was right. I m not all here. I m not strong enough," Dean pushed, staring at Castiel. Cas...you gotta help me. And when Castiel didn't reply or move, Dean felt his throat constrict and his jaw clench. He turned his head away from the angel, wishing he would just go away. "I guess I m not the man either of our dads wanted me to be. Find someone else. It's not me," Dean finished, letting a tear roll down his cheek, and Cas turned away, the sight unbearable.

"Yes, you are."

Dean opened his eyes, turning his head towards the angel, "No Cas - Castiel shook his head, getting to his feet, "Dean, the Lord has faith in you. I have faith in you "

"You're full of shit, you know that?" snapped Dean.

Castiel pressed his lips together, before placing a palm on Dean's cheek.

"You are the one who will end this," he said fiercely, "I will make sure of that, Dean."

Dean refused to meet the angel's piercing gaze, "Dean. I mean it."

"Sell it to someone whose buyin'," whispered Dean.

Castiel tilted Dean's head, making him look into his eyes, "I won't let you fail. I don't care if that means I have to disobey - "

"- Bullshit."

"Dean," Castiel said sternly.

Dean closed his mouth, eyes still blurred with fresh tears. Castiel raised his thumb to brush them away, "I'm here Dean."

Dean snorted, "Oh yeah? Didn't look like it when I was getting my ass kicked back in the factory."

Castiel flinched, eyebrows furrowed, "Dean please - "

"No. Riddle me that oh angel of the Lord," pressed Dean, "I never thought you were the type to fuck em' then leave em'."

"Dean, for once in your life, please _shut up_."

That stopped Dean right in his tracks, and he stared at the angel with mixed emotions. "What?"

"I'm sorry for leaving you there. I ... I wasn't thinking, I - " He cut off, sighing. It doesn't matter. I'm not leaving your side from now on."

"Cas - "

Castiel captured Dean's mouth softly. The kiss wasn't anything special, but it was gentle, and Dean couldn't help kissing him back. "You promise?" Dean whispered, green orbs meeting blue.

A ghost of a smile appeared over Castiel's lips, and he nodded, "Promise."

* * *

**A/N:** That's the end of my first one-shot. Hope you liked it. And let's all pray for some more Cas/Dean action and maybe a hug for season five!


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